And I started thinking horrible things, Sister Tidwell. Very bad things.
At night I started thinking I saw light coming from Dale’s house. Not a lot of light, but shades of light, or sometimes I saw pinpoints. I knew it was empty so I figured it was nothing, but sometimes I’d hear noises coming from over there too—faint noises, kinda like whispers, sometimes creaks. I started thinking about when Dale told me about his wife dying of cancer in that house, about her crying from the pain in the room down the hall. I wondered what the old man meant when he told me he had helped her pass on.
I’d spend nights not sleeping, wanting to look over in the direction of Dale’s house, but afraid to, and every time I did look I saw some form of light coming from over there. I thought it would explain why his son hated Dale so much, if maybe he suspected something, if he thought his father put his mother out of her misery like she was a barnyard animal.
I thought I heard a word one night. “Hurt.” It freaked me out so much that I had to do something. I had to get off my couch, go to the window, and pull up the blinds to take a look.
I swear to you Sister Tidwell, I looked over there and a light was on in a room down the hall. I saw it.
I was terrified, not of the light so much, but that I knew I was losing my mind again. I read the Book of Mormon, thinking I don’t know what, that it might protect me or something. I almost finished it by the time the morning came. I stopped when I came to Moroni 8:16 where it says “perfect love casteth out all fear.”
I was starving and looked around the couch to see what food was left. All I had was the kool-aid packets. So I started to eat them by dipping my finger in the kool-aid mix and licking it. Pathetic. I’d eaten two packets when I heard a car pull up outside. I just sat there with my finger in my mouth as I heard steps walking up to my front door. There was some knocking and then I heard a voice call out my name. Did you ever meet Rita? She’s a member of the ward.
I wasn’t about to move a muscle or say a thing, but I looked up and saw her spastic son cupping his eyes and looking in my window. The brat shouted, “I see him sitting on the couch!” If I hadn’t been scared I would have shut those blinds. After that I had to answer the door.
She didn’t seem too horribly shocked about the fact there were empty containers and wrappers all around my couch, or that I hadn’t shaved in days and smelled, or that I was wearing sweatpants and a bathrobe. But she did ask me why I had one red finger and one purple one. I had to explain that. She wanted a favor from me. She wanted me to babysit her son for the day. She said she had to attend a mandatory training session in Rapid City. I felt special until she mentioned she’d asked everyone else. I could tell Rita was desperate. I heard Katie in my head again saying, “Say, yes, Daddy.” So I did. I wanted to say no though, because her son, Stevie, is a hyper-hypo. I thought he’d break my furniture for sure. He should probably be required to wear a helmet.
I hope you don’t have a hyper-active brother. Sorry if you do.
Anyway, she left me with Stevie and he was even worse than I thought. He spent the first half hour walking around my house asking me how things worked. He asked me how a bookshelf worked. I told him you put books on it. For his sake, I hope he was making fun of me.
He decided to open all my windows and I decided the best way to deal with him was to play some games. I came up with one called “Prison” involving him trying to escape from my shed. Clever, right? Well, he started body slamming the wall and my shed started to pitch over like the leaning tower of Pisa. At that point I let him out and dared him to catch me. I kept him at bay running around behind my house until I tripped and then he jumped on me and put snow on my face.
We had kool-aid packets for lunch. It was all I had. Stevie had already ate a packet of tropical punch when I realized that flavored sugar might not be the best thing for a kid like him. It was a mistake, all right. I had to come up with more games than I can remember that afternoon. I wanted to look respectable when his mother came back, so at one point I told him I had a dollar hidden somewhere in my kitchen and it was his if he could find it. While he tore the place apart I took a shower. When I got out everything in my cupboards was on my kitchen table. I still had to shave, so I let him watch me and even lathered up his face and taught him how it all works. It made me remember this time when my neighbor gave me a shave and I felt guilty for thinking he killed his wife.
I used the second hand on my watch to come up with a game called “Speed Cleaning.” That’s how the kitchen and living room got cleaned up. After that I was exhausted. It was dark and surprisingly Stevie started to slow down too. Finally, he fell asleep on the bed and I waited for his mom to come back.
When Rita saw Stevie sleeping on the bed she was so surprised she didn’t want to wake him up right away. I felt like I should offer her something to drink. I was down to my last kool-aid packet. Lucky for me, Rita likes pink lemonade.
We sat down in the kitchen to drink it and I told her that it meant a lot to me that she trusted me with her son. She told me not to be offended, but I wasn’t her first choice. I told her I understood and started telling her everything, about all the lies I’d told you, about Dale leaving me, about Katie, and about the horrible thoughts I was having at night.
When I was done she told me it took her a long time to realize there are some things the Church can’t help you with. She told me I was suffering from mental illness and I needed to get professional help, but not from her. I told her counseling wouldn’t get me back to see Katie. Church is good too, she said, and said I needed both. I told her I could never go back there. She couldn’t blame me after that baptism. “If you do go,” she said, “Steven and I will be there.”
She left after that. Didn’t even finish all her kool-aid. Before I fell asleep that night I thought about the perfect love casting out all fear and I wondered if my love for Katie would be perfect enough.
That Sunday I got up early because without Dale’s truck it was a long way to the chapel. I hitched a ride with some teenagers on their way to go sledding and nearly froze to death riding in the back of their truck. They let me out in front of the chapel and I just stared at it. It was so cold I could see my breath on the air. I could see my breaths were getting shorter and shorter and I saw yellow spots dancing in front of my eyes, so I closed my them. Why does everything have to be so hard for me, Sister Tidwell?
I thought the perfect love casteth out all fear and took a step toward the door. I don’t know if it was the cold, but I was shivering like crazy so under my breath I sang that song Katie likes, that one that goes “sing, sing a song.” That’s how I made it in the building.
Rita was sitting there on the couch in the foyer. I could hear Stevie pushing the metal hangars around down the hall. Rita patted the couch next to her and I sat down at her side. I looked at the chapel doors and thought about the people pouring out and seeing me. Rita offered me her hand and I held it tight.
I looked back at the doors and thought of that song. Be still. I was and I felt calm. I closed my eyes and breathed easy. I was holding Rita’s hand. My hand wasn’t even sweating. It was a miracle.
That’s all, Sister Tidwell. That’s it. You changed my life after all, in spite of all my lies. You need to know that. I promise you it’s the truth.
Sincerely,
Septimus
THE END
